Welcome to my official blog, where I let the words fall as they may.
August 15 2016
To say it’s been a long time is a shameful understatement.
I am sorry.
How are you? I am thankful for all your messages… you are so thoughtful, checking in on me and making sure I’m still alive. I am.
Here’s how I really am. I’m terrified. I’m afraid. So so afraid. Of pain, of depression, of rejection. I’m also very happy. I’m also really tired.
If you’re confused, I don’t blame you. Here’s the quick back story.
I worked hard for 15 years to build an amazing career in music. I didn’t have parents bank rolling me, or family members in the industry, or musical training. I had my guitar, my supportive HusBand, and a totally ridiculous dream. I went for it. I kept going for it. It hurt on a daily basis and also sometimes felt like I was flying.
My first album, The Cricket’s Orchestra, went further than I ever thought it would. I traveled to places I never thought I would, met my idols, got on stages bigger than me, and mostly I got addicted to being connected to you. So I made my second album, Have A Heart. I poured everything I had into it. I made everyone believe in it. They did, they invested, it was going to be amazing.
And then I found out I was pregnant. Friends who traveled this road before me assured me it would all be fine. Just tour while I was pregnant and six weeks after birthing baby, get back out there. Yes, it would be hard, but not impossible. I had put so much into this album. I had to get back out there and work it.
Then I started throwing up. I kept throwing up for eight months. I spent some serious time in the hospital as I slowly turned paler shades of pale. And at the same time, I fell in a deep, deep love with the little being who was destroying my musical plans.
Then he was born. It was traumatic. It was by far the most painful and horrific experience of my life. It was also the most euphoric. But I didn’t heal like everyone said I would due to unusual complications. I couldn’t walk for 2 months. I then had to go to a lot of Dr appointments and stay close to home for 8 months.
And that was all it took to kill my album. By then it was too late to invest in touring it. It was old news. I had let everyone who I convinced to invest in me down. It was the biggest failure of my life.
I had never fallen more in love than I did with my baby boy. My God, it breaks my heart how much I love him. Many days I feel like I can’t contain it… Like it’s the size of the universe and I’m just the size of… me. But I was also absolutely heartbroken over the crash of my album. It was a heartbreak that I don’t think will ever go away.
I floundered as I struggled to heal and to figure out what to do musically next while being the best momma I could to my best little blue eyed, golden haired boy. My team bailed, unable to make money off me if I wasn’t touring. I got it. They had to go. I waved goodbye with tears in my eyes as my manager, record label, and other agents moved on.
And now, I’m about to do this again. My belly is growing, and (I know this sounds silly but) the realization that this new little baby has to come out of me is the brightest, most beautiful looming darkness on my horizon. I can’t wait to feel the atomic love bomb of motherhood again, but I am beyond terrified of the rest of it.
You say things to me like, “Please don’t ever quit music, it means so much to me!” and “I miss your voice,” and “Your songs changed my life,” and “You got me through my divorce/brain cancer/ the death of my child.” And I want more than I can say to keep making music for you. I just don’t know how. My boys come first. My HusBand and my two little sons (Yep! It’s another boy!!). Touring isn’t good for the lifestyle we want to have. But I still want to connect to you. I still want to be with you. How? How? How? I ask myself this every day.
So this is it. This is where I am. I hope you don’t mind my vulnerability. I refuse to be unauthentic and make you think my life is perfect and a mystery. It isn’t. It’s a bloody struggle every day to keep going. Like a flower blooming in the cracks of the pavement. Yours is too, I know. Can we struggle together? How?
I miss you.
You wrote me back. And it changed my life. And then I wrote this.
August 22 2016
Why are you so wonderful? You have no idea how I sat here in front of my computer and sobbed as I read your words and messages of support and comfort over the past few days. I don’t know how I got so lucky to have you in my life but I’m so thankful for you. I don’t want to imagine my life without you.
And this is exactly what I was thinking when, a box of kleenex later, an idea fell into the burning question I have had for months as to how I could keep making music for you and stay true to my new life.
Now, this could quite possibly be THE CRAZIEST IDEA. In fact I think it is. For sure it is. I have NEVER heard of another artist offering this. And I honestly have no idea if it will work, but I was awake for 3 hours in the middle of the night last night obsessing over the possibilities. It makes my heart skip beats with terror and excitement and hope and true desire. So that makes me think I might be on to something.
Deep breath. Okay, here it goes.
I want to write YOUR song. Me. I want to write it for you. I want to make it OUR song. And then I want to record it. And then I want to share our song with everyone.
Is that crazy?? I mean… I’m so excited about this idea I’m having a hard time expressing myself clearly! I’ll try.
I want to write your totally individual love story into a song. I want you to dance together to it at your wedding. Or on your anniversary. Or in your kitchen amidst the chaos of your imperfectly beautiful life.
I want to write your precious baby a lullaby you can sing or play for her every night. A new life deserves to have the most precious of gifts, a tenderly composed song just for him, his name floating on soothing notes as he drifts off to sleep. A gift she will carry forever in her heart.
I want to write a gift song for that someone you can’t imagine your life without. Just picture the amazement on their face when you present them with this totally original and most heartfelt of gifts. Guaranteed, it will be a moment you will both remember forever.
I want to write your precious memories of your loved one into a song. That someone who deserves to be remembered forever in the form of a lovingly commemorative song, their legacy immortalized.
I want to write your heartbreak into a song. That moment you didn’t think you would live through. That moment you might currently be enduring. I want to write it for you for those times when you need to remember how strong you really are.
And you know why this will be so incredible?? Because you have heard yourself in my songs. Because you have been there too. My songs are your songs. Now I want your song to be mine. I want us to share our love stories, our heartbreaks, our struggles and triumphs. And I want to make them into a song for you. It will be OUR SONG.
If you want more information on pricing and whether or not we feel I can do Our Song justice, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
My heart is thumping hard as I send this out to you. Can we actually do this? Can we really make this work? What an incredible experience this could be…