Seven months ago something in me changed. I started to feel... weird… sick. All the time. The taste of things changed. Smells changed. The way I felt changed.
I went to see my doctor. Mingo came with me just in case something was seriously wrong. I had been throwing up a lot. We weren't sure what was going on.
My doctor ordered some blood work and told me to come back the next week. We returned seven days later. Her back was to me, bent over a file folder with a sheet of paper covered in numbers when she told me I was pregnant. Mingo blinked at me and I stared back at him. Our faces matched. Eyes wide. Mouth slightly open, our breath being taken away.
I felt… Wonder. Hope. Fear. Sick.
And then trepidation. Anxiety. So sick. What about the album? It was just coming out… How could I work it? How could I tour it? How could I employ Mingo and myself while feeling so, so sick. What would we live on? What would my hard working label peeps say? What would my fans think when I wasn't out working? What would my dear A&R guy say? We had worked so hard to create this album… How could I work when I could barely stand at times. Would it all be for nothing? What was going to happen? How was the rest of my life going to change??
I wanted to be only thrilled and happy and excited to be creating a family with Mingo. I tried. And a big part of me was. But I was sick. A lot. I kept my secret, not ready to talk about it with anyone but Mingo, not wanting anyone to think I didn't care about my career. A three week promotional tour was coming up. No big deal… Right? I could pretend…
We did our best to get through the tour. Mingo watched me continuously. He helped make sure I ate enough nutritious food and took my vitamins. He tucked me into bed every night by seven. But by the end of the tour I was so exhausted. The night before we were supposed to fly home I couldn't stop being sick. I threw up 12 times through the night, every half hour, before Mingo took me to the emergency room. I fainted while waiting to be seen.
The kind nurses and doctors took me in right away, hooked me up to an IV, put me in a private room and gave me anti nausea meds. They ordered an ultra sound immediately. Tears rolled down my face and collected in my hair as I lay on my back, looking at the fuzzy picture of our little one moving arms, legs, tiny heart thumping inside me, totally oblivious to the physical pain I was going through. Relief washed over me and I realized for the first time just how much I loved that little person. I was so glad at least one of us was okay.
We had to delay our flight till I could be well enough to make it through a flight home. Mingo called the label to tell them about our situation and ask them to change our flight. I was so nervous for them to find out. But they congratulated me. They told me the timing of things would just have to change surrounding the release, but that they were behind me. We would move forward with the first single and then reassess. Still sick. Still worried. But some relief.
Mingo and I finally slept.
We flew home for a short break, which I spent in bed, and went back on the road to do press. People promised my nausea would abate. But it didn't. A constant reminder of the fact that I was no longer the only one living in my body. I did my best. We met with great radio people and did some sweet TV appearances including the ones on Marilyn Denis and Canada AM. I was grateful for every opportunity. And so, so sick.
I came home and stayed in bed for a few months.
I started to feel… a little better? I started getting up and going for walks, Mingo with me every step of the way. Then one day I got really light headed and almost passed out again. Another blood test revealed critically low iron. All the throwing up meant that I had not been absorbing my vitamins and my little 'room mate' had gotten all our iron.
A few iron transfusions later (that's where they take pure iron and pump it into your veins. I like to think I'm Iron Woman now!) and I am starting to feel slightly more human.
I have just over two more months to go, and then the real work begins. Our second single, Mirror, comes out. I hope we can work this record and give it the exposure I think it really deserves. Oh, and Mingo and I will have an extra band member who will be our bandmate forever now.
Shamefully I have to admit that I had no idea how hard creating human life is. I really didn't. I know it's different for everyone, but I just want you to know that you took effort to make. You took energy and blood and tears and sweat and iron and pain and joy to create. Every one of us did. Your life has more value than any jewel or treasured metal this earth could offer. Please don't forget that. Ever. It's really important.
Hopefully I'll be seeing you soon… In the meantime, keep playing my music. Stay connected. I have missed you for the past Seven Months.